Why does my child say "no" to everything... even when it is something they enjoy?

You're frustrated. Their teacher is frustrated. Their babysitter is frustrated. Their grandparents are even frustrated.

"Time to brush your teeth" – no

"Let's watch your favorite movie!" – no

"Class, please take out your workbooks." – absolutely, no.

Sometimes, hearing your child or student say no is totally predictable. It is expected and developmentally appropriate for a child to not want to clean their room, but to say no to their favorite activity? This is when you most likely get frustrated...but also confused.

Let's talk autonomy.

Personal autonomy "includes an individual’s right to develop their personality, to express hopes and dreams, and make choices and not be unreasonably limited" (Disability Rights CA, 2017). Personal autonomy is a human right that most of us do not think twice about or even consider-- we have the free will to do what we want, say what we want, go where we want. It is a privilege that feels like a given, so we may not recognize it as one.

Now, consider a child's access to autonomy. Their entire day is usually dictated by the adults around them– when to wake up, what to eat, what to wear, what to learn, when to play, etc. Even children have the right to autonomy, but it takes a lot of intentionality on the caregiver's part. Autonomy for a child needs to be developmentally appropriate for their safety. We are not going to let our child wear a short sleeve shirt and sandals in snowy weather, but we can let them choose which coat they want to wear. Autonomy for children often looks like giving them acceptable options so they can make choices.

Okay, now we understand autonomy. You may be thinking, "I give choices and the answer is always no."

Let's talk autonomy + neurodivergence.

The right to autonomy applies to all people, whether they are physically disabled, intellectually disabled, or otherwise neurodivergent. People who are disabled are at an increased risk of having this right violated, ignored, and taken away due to the vulnerabilities related to their disabilities. As a caregiver, service provider, teacher, or ally to the disabled community, it is your responsibility to protect and advocate for respecting the personal autonomy of our disabled and neurodivergent children.

It is also your responsibility to educate your child/student to advocate for themselves. "No" is a full sentence, and "no" is a valid form of self-advocacy. That being said, just as we wouldn't let our child in the snow in warm weather clothing, we sometimes have to set boundaries when "no" is used. We should honor "no" when it is safe, reasonable, and acceptable to, but we are responsible for teaching our children when "no" is not safe, reasonable, or acceptable.

Let's talk autonomy + neurodivergence + the constant "no"

You give choices. You explain when "no" is not safe. You are patient. Despite this, your child's automatic response is constantly "no" and this is impacting them both at home and school. This may be Pervasive Demand for Autonomy (PDA) (previously known as Pathological Demand Avoidance). Many neurodivergent people have a higher need for autonomy. PDA is not a diagnosis. Rather, it is a profile, helping to describe a person's lived experience and thinking. PDA was initially considered to be a profile of autism, but is now being understood as a personality profile that any neurodivergent person may reflect.

When you consider how much control adults have over children, then consider the additional support given to neurodivergent children, then add in extra time spent in therapies, it makes sense that neurodivergent children would have a higher demand for autonomy. Kids often have less independence, free time to play, and control over their routines.

So here is the answer to "Why does my child say "no" to everything, even when it is something they enjoy?": A person with a PDA profile has a higher need for autonomy and is therefore sensitive to demands. When a PDA child perceives a demand, their fight-flight-freeze system is triggered. Watching their favorite movie shouldn't be a demand, but it can feel like one depending on how the idea was presented to them. This is because the idea or the choice was someone else's, which feels like not having control over the idea or choice.

So, do I just accept that they are always going to say no to everything, even to the point where they have meltdowns?

Of course, not!

Understanding PDA helps us recognize a person's communication and accommodation needs. Identifying your child as a PDAer will help you adjust how demands are presented to them and to teach them coping and self-advocacy strategies.

Additional PDA Info

PDA Characteristics

• Resistance and avoidance of everyday demands

• Need to be in control and avoid being controlled by others.

• Uses social strategies as part of their avoidance

• Often focused on other people or can be focused on performance demands (due to acute anxiety)

• Tend not to respond to conventional parenting, teaching or support approaches

• Overly emotional responses (ie. crying, anger, etc.) to small events or demands

How do I know if my child has PDA?

PDA is a profile, not a diagnosis. This means it is up to you/your child if they identify as having a PDA personality type. The purpose of identifying as PDA is not to add a diagnostic label to your child (or even yourself), but to have a better understanding of how their brain might be working so that you can better support them and their needs. A professional familiar with PDA might suggest your child fits this profile, but it is also valid if you identify them this way.

If you believe your child has a profile of PDA, the next step is to start implementing strategies to support them. Some of these recommended strategies are helpful regardless of if they are a PDAer or not!

To learn more about PDA strategies, see our blog post: PDA and Learning